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iesikaFrom now on, all the stuff about my Grandmother will go in this post, and I will update it. Nobody should feel obligated to respond or comment - there's one person on my flist who has met her and I don't think she'd updated her journal in a year. Still. I put stuff up here and I feel a little less alone, so I'm going to keep doing it. This way, though, I won't keep spamming everyone. If you're here for the fic, don't feel you should concern yourself with my personal crisis.
Granny woke up with a mood improvement - and then her mood dropped and she had a mini-stroke. My aunt just called for my mother (who isn't here) and wouldn't talk to me beyond saying Granny really doesn't feel well (duh) and I'm kind of pissed about being brushed off. Giving mom some time before I call to find out what it was about.
I don't know if it was being in the hospital or a stress-related immune drop, but I'm getting congested. >.< And I just ache all over and feel generally crappy, but I'm reasonably certain I know the cause of that. Still, it's unpleasant. Took Macie for a walk and it didn't help.
I need more an better friends in my own city. >.< I don't really want to deal with P and M right now, and I haven't called BGBFF because he's all the way in Lafayette and I'm afraid he'd feel obligated to drive here or something, which would be useless. Instead, I will hug the dog. A lot.
It wasn't a mini stroke. It was a stroke stroke. Mom's been there all night, and so has one of my aunts, and mom's not sure Granny knows they're there. Mom says she's peaceful, but...I just don't know. She's not getting put on any machines - she's been making that clear for years - and she's also been telling people for years that she's 'ready to go' - as recently as Friday night she was telling the doctor that.
I had about four hours of sleep last night and now I'm not sure what to do with myself. I think I need to reexhaust myself after that news, so I'm going to go poke at my ficlet thread some more. I might be too disjointed for that, though, in which case...I don't know. Sims and TV? wallpapers? Something.
To top it all off, Dad and I took Macie for a walk last night. She's supposed to have several 15 minute walks a day, and he just kept walking and walking for about two miles. Macie's limping now. I want to murder him.
I did a better job distracting myself last night than I have to day. Where *is* everybody? Somebody come talk to me? My IM info's in my profile... I don't even care who, at this point.
Talked to mom. I've been waiting all day for her to call and fearing the worst. She says the stroke was *major* and Granny is never going to recover. She's attempted one word - 'water' - but she's *completely* aware, even though she can't open her eyes. She's squeezing my mom's hand in response to questions.
And I listened to mom talk about this and I was...not fine, obviously, but I didn't break until she was talking about asking her if she wanted to be given something to sleep - no squeeze - or if she wanted to stay awake with her daughters a little longer - and my mom said she squeezed her *hard*, and I just... Yesterday she didn't want to live.
I'm so ANGRY! The doctor thinks it was a medication she was given for pain last week that made her dive into such a sudden and dark depression, and it's the depression that's put her in that damn hospital and it's the reason I'm never going to hear her voice again, she's never going to see me again. I'm mad at myself, because I wanted to ask for a few minutes alone with her before we left Saturday, I wanted to stay with her Friday night, I wanted to stay in Rayville instead of coming back to Baton Rouge with my siblings AND I DIDN'T DO IT. And now I'm probably never going to talk to her again.
I hate myself. I *hate* myself. Why the fuck didn't I insist?
They just moved my Granny to my aunt's house, under hospice care. One of her nurses was my cousin's nurse (see tag: cancer saga) and already knows Granny and Aunt Gae Gae (who has lost her father, husband, son, and brother in the last eight years. Loosing her mother now... I am very afraid she will be next, but I've been afraid ever since her husband passed, and she's managed to hold herself together for her grandchildren).
Talked to mom just a little while ago and she said Granny was very awake (though not talking). She had to go, but I want to get a full accounting of what kind of care she's getting. I don't know if she's eating, or still on her blood meds, still cathed (I assume she's still cathed) or what... All I know is she's on pain meds.
Keeping myself completely exhausted may or may not be helping, but if I'm exhausted I'm thinking about that and not the knot in my chest. It hit me last night that there is going to be a funeral. I *hate* funerals. I hate funerals for people I barely knew, for people I loved, I hate the idea of a funeral for myself - I HATE FUNERALS. I'm sort of drafting a speech or email in my head now for my mom - that I don't want to go - REALLY don't want to go, but that if she REALLY REALLY wants me there I will be there for her. But it will probably be the worst experience of my life.
I don't want to grieve in public. The very idea is abhorrent to me. I run out the room if I'm going to cry. I cry loud, hard, and messy - so ridiculously loud that I haven't cried properly with other people in the same building let alone the same room (I have, however, gone outside and sat in my car to do it, and when no one else is home, the dogs look at me *very* strangely because of the noises I'm making. I managed to miss my Papa's funeral, 8 years ago, by the very valid excuse of it happening *during* one of my final exams (though I pretty much failed half my classes that semester anyway). I've been talked into the funerals of two uncles and a cousin, most recently, for the sake of their more immediate family. Mom is the only reason I could stand to be anywhere *near* Granny's funeral, and if she insists I be there...I may hide in the bathroom or something during the service and just stand outside and be present, after.
I just...really, really, really hate funerals.
I went up Friday after work, stayed the night, and came back Saturday so I could go to work. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my entire life. Sister and I fought, and I think she hates me now, and Mom asked me to come to the funeral for her, so I am going to go.
People kept trying to be upbeat at me and no one was willing to respect my desire to go be alone for pieces of time while I dealt with things. That's how Sister and I ended up fighting - After seeing Granny for the first time - and the room was full of people all around her bed (hospice set her up in the back room at Aunt GG's) and they all wanted to talk to me, and they wouldn't leave the room so I could be by myself with her (eventually they did, but only after drama) and I went and hid in the bathroom and cried, and then my aunt knocked on the door so I left the bathroom and hid in the laundry room in the dark and cried, but my Sister followed me and we had a fight about how I was apparently not grieving in an acceptable way, and so I ran out of the house and locked myself in my car. Maybe two minutes later, Mom came out and tried to get in the car with me. I almost drove away.
I got out instead and sat on the hood and told mom what I'd decided about the funeral - that if she needed me there, I'd be there, but I didn't want to go. She wanted me there, so I told her I'd be there. I tried to express how angry I was - at Granny, the doctor, myself, and now Sister - how angry I was getting at everyone who attempted to comfort me or tell me how I should think about things. I know she had a long full life surrounded by people who loved her. I know that. You don't have to keep telling me that as the reason I shouldn't be grieving. And I told her that when it happens, when Granny dies (because she is dying, now, no question about it. She refused a feeding tube and has a living will) I want to be told on the phone as soon as possible, and I *don't* want Dad to tell me, because he will try and talk to me about it and I will get mad. I told her that whoever calls me needs to just tell me that it happened and when the funeral is and then hang up.
So, firmly in the anger stage of grief, now. I know most of my anger is completely irrational, but when I am upset, I almost always feel angry anyway, let alone *this* kind of upset.
On the bright side, I had a suicide related epiphany, based on how angry I am that Granny said last week she didn't want to live anymore. It made me realize how angry Mom would be if I killed myself, and that's something that's never really sunk in before. I've always used Granny as my anchor when I'm at my lowest ebb - knowing what it would do to her if I killed myself. I've had some real concern for myself in the wake of this. Poor Janice has had to listen to me rail about it a bit. ^_^; So...at least I feel a bit better about that now.
Granny woke up with a mood improvement - and then her mood dropped and she had a mini-stroke. My aunt just called for my mother (who isn't here) and wouldn't talk to me beyond saying Granny really doesn't feel well (duh) and I'm kind of pissed about being brushed off. Giving mom some time before I call to find out what it was about.
I don't know if it was being in the hospital or a stress-related immune drop, but I'm getting congested. >.< And I just ache all over and feel generally crappy, but I'm reasonably certain I know the cause of that. Still, it's unpleasant. Took Macie for a walk and it didn't help.
I need more an better friends in my own city. >.< I don't really want to deal with P and M right now, and I haven't called BGBFF because he's all the way in Lafayette and I'm afraid he'd feel obligated to drive here or something, which would be useless. Instead, I will hug the dog. A lot.
It wasn't a mini stroke. It was a stroke stroke. Mom's been there all night, and so has one of my aunts, and mom's not sure Granny knows they're there. Mom says she's peaceful, but...I just don't know. She's not getting put on any machines - she's been making that clear for years - and she's also been telling people for years that she's 'ready to go' - as recently as Friday night she was telling the doctor that.
I had about four hours of sleep last night and now I'm not sure what to do with myself. I think I need to reexhaust myself after that news, so I'm going to go poke at my ficlet thread some more. I might be too disjointed for that, though, in which case...I don't know. Sims and TV? wallpapers? Something.
To top it all off, Dad and I took Macie for a walk last night. She's supposed to have several 15 minute walks a day, and he just kept walking and walking for about two miles. Macie's limping now. I want to murder him.
I did a better job distracting myself last night than I have to day. Where *is* everybody? Somebody come talk to me? My IM info's in my profile... I don't even care who, at this point.
Talked to mom. I've been waiting all day for her to call and fearing the worst. She says the stroke was *major* and Granny is never going to recover. She's attempted one word - 'water' - but she's *completely* aware, even though she can't open her eyes. She's squeezing my mom's hand in response to questions.
And I listened to mom talk about this and I was...not fine, obviously, but I didn't break until she was talking about asking her if she wanted to be given something to sleep - no squeeze - or if she wanted to stay awake with her daughters a little longer - and my mom said she squeezed her *hard*, and I just... Yesterday she didn't want to live.
I'm so ANGRY! The doctor thinks it was a medication she was given for pain last week that made her dive into such a sudden and dark depression, and it's the depression that's put her in that damn hospital and it's the reason I'm never going to hear her voice again, she's never going to see me again. I'm mad at myself, because I wanted to ask for a few minutes alone with her before we left Saturday, I wanted to stay with her Friday night, I wanted to stay in Rayville instead of coming back to Baton Rouge with my siblings AND I DIDN'T DO IT. And now I'm probably never going to talk to her again.
I hate myself. I *hate* myself. Why the fuck didn't I insist?
They just moved my Granny to my aunt's house, under hospice care. One of her nurses was my cousin's nurse (see tag: cancer saga) and already knows Granny and Aunt Gae Gae (who has lost her father, husband, son, and brother in the last eight years. Loosing her mother now... I am very afraid she will be next, but I've been afraid ever since her husband passed, and she's managed to hold herself together for her grandchildren).
Talked to mom just a little while ago and she said Granny was very awake (though not talking). She had to go, but I want to get a full accounting of what kind of care she's getting. I don't know if she's eating, or still on her blood meds, still cathed (I assume she's still cathed) or what... All I know is she's on pain meds.
Keeping myself completely exhausted may or may not be helping, but if I'm exhausted I'm thinking about that and not the knot in my chest. It hit me last night that there is going to be a funeral. I *hate* funerals. I hate funerals for people I barely knew, for people I loved, I hate the idea of a funeral for myself - I HATE FUNERALS. I'm sort of drafting a speech or email in my head now for my mom - that I don't want to go - REALLY don't want to go, but that if she REALLY REALLY wants me there I will be there for her. But it will probably be the worst experience of my life.
I don't want to grieve in public. The very idea is abhorrent to me. I run out the room if I'm going to cry. I cry loud, hard, and messy - so ridiculously loud that I haven't cried properly with other people in the same building let alone the same room (I have, however, gone outside and sat in my car to do it, and when no one else is home, the dogs look at me *very* strangely because of the noises I'm making. I managed to miss my Papa's funeral, 8 years ago, by the very valid excuse of it happening *during* one of my final exams (though I pretty much failed half my classes that semester anyway). I've been talked into the funerals of two uncles and a cousin, most recently, for the sake of their more immediate family. Mom is the only reason I could stand to be anywhere *near* Granny's funeral, and if she insists I be there...I may hide in the bathroom or something during the service and just stand outside and be present, after.
I just...really, really, really hate funerals.
I went up Friday after work, stayed the night, and came back Saturday so I could go to work. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my entire life. Sister and I fought, and I think she hates me now, and Mom asked me to come to the funeral for her, so I am going to go.
People kept trying to be upbeat at me and no one was willing to respect my desire to go be alone for pieces of time while I dealt with things. That's how Sister and I ended up fighting - After seeing Granny for the first time - and the room was full of people all around her bed (hospice set her up in the back room at Aunt GG's) and they all wanted to talk to me, and they wouldn't leave the room so I could be by myself with her (eventually they did, but only after drama) and I went and hid in the bathroom and cried, and then my aunt knocked on the door so I left the bathroom and hid in the laundry room in the dark and cried, but my Sister followed me and we had a fight about how I was apparently not grieving in an acceptable way, and so I ran out of the house and locked myself in my car. Maybe two minutes later, Mom came out and tried to get in the car with me. I almost drove away.
I got out instead and sat on the hood and told mom what I'd decided about the funeral - that if she needed me there, I'd be there, but I didn't want to go. She wanted me there, so I told her I'd be there. I tried to express how angry I was - at Granny, the doctor, myself, and now Sister - how angry I was getting at everyone who attempted to comfort me or tell me how I should think about things. I know she had a long full life surrounded by people who loved her. I know that. You don't have to keep telling me that as the reason I shouldn't be grieving. And I told her that when it happens, when Granny dies (because she is dying, now, no question about it. She refused a feeding tube and has a living will) I want to be told on the phone as soon as possible, and I *don't* want Dad to tell me, because he will try and talk to me about it and I will get mad. I told her that whoever calls me needs to just tell me that it happened and when the funeral is and then hang up.
So, firmly in the anger stage of grief, now. I know most of my anger is completely irrational, but when I am upset, I almost always feel angry anyway, let alone *this* kind of upset.
On the bright side, I had a suicide related epiphany, based on how angry I am that Granny said last week she didn't want to live anymore. It made me realize how angry Mom would be if I killed myself, and that's something that's never really sunk in before. I've always used Granny as my anchor when I'm at my lowest ebb - knowing what it would do to her if I killed myself. I've had some real concern for myself in the wake of this. Poor Janice has had to listen to me rail about it a bit. ^_^; So...at least I feel a bit better about that now.
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-14 11:06 pm (UTC)I hope everything is going okay with your Granny, and I hope you are okay too.
I love you <3
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 01:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 02:02 am (UTC)Hey... do you trade adorable doodles for ficlets? I don't have anything in particular in mind at the moment, but I just thought I'd throw that question out there...
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 02:04 am (UTC)OH MAN, I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ME THIS SINCE I STARTED THIS LIVEJOURNAL!!!
;v; sorrycapslocks lmfao you just made my year.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 02:08 am (UTC)Is there anything in particular you'd want? I know you like Bruce/Tim, but I will admit to not being familiar with the rest of your preferences. Feel free to make specific requests...I'm looking to keep myself occupied at the moment. I can always refuse something I don't want to write, but I'm pretty broad in my pairing appreciation and hard to squick.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 02:30 am (UTC)::Sending good thoughts and prayers your way for you and your family!::
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 02:33 am (UTC)My favourite pairings aaare:
- Kon/Tim
- Bruce/Tim (I have a love of Brucie, also Matches/Alvin makes me happy in my guilty heart lmao. <3 )
- Dick/Tim
ovo <3<3 Oh geeze, do you want prompts then? lmao, I'm all a flutter.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 02:50 am (UTC)I love the Bats' various personas. Yay identity porn! <3 Our favorites overlap considerably.
You can prompt if you like. I'm not 100% certain of when I'll get to them, but I prefer to have things to do and think about than to sit here being miserable. :/
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 02:54 am (UTC)I'm not really wanting to talk about it right now, to be honest. Feel free to be distracting if you get the chance, though.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 03:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 03:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 03:28 am (UTC)Identity porn is the beeest porn. <3<3
PROMPTS AHOY! Like cookies, but with more innuendo! Pick whatever you'd like and have fun, I'll just go prompt hog wild and you can pick one or none or whatever!
Matches/Alvin- On a slow night.
Matches/Alvin- A classy hotel
Matches/Alvin- Accent Kink, sleezy pet names
Brucie/Tim- The pros and cons of chocolate fondu
Brucie/Tim- 3 ways to make a party more interesting
Brucie/Tim- You dropped your fork, Tiger. (Except you didn't.)
Bruce/Tim- Restraint is necessary.
Kon/Tim- To make a Robin smile
Kon/Tim- Having a bird in your corner
Kon/Tim- Kryptonese turns you on?
Dick/Tim- Literally hanging out
Dick/Tim- "You had posters of me?"
Dick/Tim- "..And Tim is the cherry on top."
THAT WAS A LOT.. dang I might write some versions of these myself, haha.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 04:05 am (UTC)I'm gonna play with these now. I just finished re-doing my journal style. It was a pain but I like it now that it's done.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 04:21 am (UTC)ovo <3 What shall I do for you?
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 04:43 am (UTC)Or...I don't know. Tiny Adorable Alvin would be awesome, if the other is too much.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 04:47 am (UTC)XD I'll gladly draw you a cute tastic Alvin! ovo But I want to know what the first thing was. <3
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 04:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 04:58 am (UTC)ovo <3 *gets on it*
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 05:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-22 03:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-22 03:52 am (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-03-22 03:58 am (UTC)