Not a good day

[iesika]

Two exams (five minutes apart) this morning, the latter one having been a monster (that made me nearly cry, because I thought I was prepared for it, and I'm supposed to be good at tests), and now I'm skipping math for the preservation of my sanity and trying to decide if I should go to a funeral tomorrow. 

I've never met the woman, but she was the grandmother of my cousin (the one with cancer, who, btw, hasn't eaten in six weeks and is expected to go at any time), the mother of my favorite uncle (who has been dead for eight years, as of this month), great grandmother of my baby cousins who are about to be fatherless - you get the idea. And her husband of sixty-some years is in hospital with inexplicable internal bleeding. >.< She and my aunt never got along - I never heard anything good about her from my aunt, who is the only person who's talked about her since Uncle Harold's death. My parents are both going to the service tomorrow (which requires a 4 hour drive and an overnight stay), and my mom keeps encouraging me to come with them. Brother won't be going, as he has prom tomorrow. I don't know about sister.

I hate funerals -hate them so much that I don't want one of my own. I have been to too many funerals at the Golden Funeral Home in the last few years - the place has horrible, horrible memories for me of all the relatives I've lost in recent years and will be loosing soon. And it will be like having to go to Cousin's funeral twice, because I'll be thinking of him the whole time.

The only reason I would want to go to North Louisiana right now would be to see Cousin (I'm not, honestly, sure if I want to see him the way he is now, and I don't know if my presence would be pleasant or a strain, since he's in so much pain and barely conscious most of the time - he and Mom are really close, but he barely spoke when she went last weekend), and to see his children. If I go up there, I will have to go to the funeral, and may not even get to see Cousin and his children. 

I've got a lot of schoolwork to catch/keep up with, too, between the end of the semester approaching and needing to be as prepared as possible to miss a day or two in the coming weeks. Really, though, the long and short of it is I don't want to go. But I really feel like I'm supposed to/ expected to.  I don't really expect anyone to have the answer to my dilemma. I think I'm just venting/organizing my thoughts. I am also trying very hard not to start crying in the school library.